We Must Be Willing To Feel Everything

I posted earlier this week about "hate."

No one likes the word "hate" - it has become "the unacceptable emotion."
It is like Voldemort - hate is "he who shall not be named."

Hate is associated with so many horrific things that we can hardly say the word anymore.
 
Yet as long as we fear any emotion or thought, we are prisoners; unable to grow.


In order to have anything in life, we have to be willing to have the opposite.

In order to get married, we must open ourselves to the possibility of divorce.
In order to have faith, we have to be willing to doubt, to question, to learn and grow.
In order to have courage, we must be willing to fear.
In order to love, we must be willing to hate. We have to be willing to care about someone that much. We have to be that invested, that deeply attached.
In order to trust we have to open ourselves up to the possibility of being betrayed, abandoned, let down.

When any emotion or feeling becomes unacceptable, then we lose the correlating emotion. When we are unwilling to to be betrayed, we lose the ability to trust.
If we are unwilling to lose, we are unable to win.
If we are are unwilling to be rejected, we are unable to be accepted.

We must be vulnerable. All emotions must be a possibility. All emotions must be acceptable.
When we accept the fact that we feel and think horrific things, AND we can still act according to our values - then we have happiness.  Then we have self mastery.
We can think and feel anything, be put through any horror or atrocity, and still be ourselves, living our life. When we can become like Viktor Frankl - be stripped of everything, have our jobs and homes and livelihoods taken, have our family killed, and be forced to work in a Nazi concentration camp - and still live our values, still have a life of meaning - then we have success.  Then we have happiness. Then we have a life worth living.
 

Teach Your Children That It's Okay To Hate

I mean that.  Teach them that it is perfectly acceptable and even healthy to feel hatred.

It is a GOOD thing to hate.

Just like it is a GOOD thing to feel sadness, fear, resentment, anger, loneliness, regret, guilt, hate, etc… 

When we teach our children to “hate” these feelings, to fear them and reject them and deny them and suppress them – we are teaching our children a lie.  We are teaching them that they should always be happy, always be pleasant, always like other people, always be pleased with life and its outcomes.

Really?  We should be happy with death, loss, hunger, abuse, disease, failure and rejection?

We shouldn’t hate anything?  Really?

Any Christians out there?

 - Proverbs 6:16 tells us that the Lord hates some things.

 - Revelations 2:6 tells us Jesus hated as well.

Hate and love are the strongest emotions possible.  They are not opposites.  The opposite of love is apathy.  The opposite of hate is also apathy.

Teaching kids to ignore their strongest “negative” emotions also inevitably limits their “positive” emotions.

If you get rid of the strongest hate, you also get rid of the strongest love.   

Why do Christians believe that Christ’s love is the ultimate love?  Why is it perfect?

Because he felt all our pain, all our sufferings, all of our shortcomings, all of our hatred.  He felt all those things - completely understands us, and he has the most perfect love and caring and concern for our eternal well-being.

Hate isn’t bad.  Doing hateful things is bad.  

You may be tempted to say - "but hate can only lead to bad things - love leads to all good things."

Really?  How many terrible things have been done in the name of "love" or in the pursuit of "happiness."

Telling kids not to hate is like telling Elsa in the movie Frozen to “conceal don’t feel.”

Thoughts and emotions are neither good nor bad – they just are.  Thoughts and emotions happen whether we want them to or not.  The question is what we DO with them.  They are all useful and appropriate at times.

Happiness/cheeriness can be a very bad thing.  At a funeral, in the Emergency room, when admitting your child to the psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt - being happy and cheery and full of bubbly hope and peter pan advice like “think a happy thought” - is not "good" in these situations.  It is not appropriate, it is not helpful, it is bad.

Why do you think the happiest people usually seem to be the people who have suffered the most?  Why do the most inspirational people, the ones who really touch us – usually have horrific life histories of pain and suffering and hate.  Those emotions taught them how to feel true love and appreciation and caring.  They learned how to accept the fact that they feel hatred and anger, and how to use that emotion to live a happy life, according to their beliefs and values.

If we teach our children to fear emotion, to fear anger and hatred and deny that those feelings ever existed - we are setting them up to explode.  The hate and anger are there.  Everyone feels them.  We can either admit it and accept it, or conceal it, fear it, and then await the explosion of the ticking time bomb.

Don't teach kids to fear hatred.  Teach them what to do when they feel it; what it means, and why it's good. 

Teach your kids that it's okay to hate - it's the only way they'll ever learn to love.

Book Review: The Reality Slap

I started this book almost 2 years ago.  In a one month period I tried to read 4 books about ACT therapy, a book on DBT, a book on CBT, and another on psychodynamic psychotherapy.

Yeah - I was nuts. (fitting for a shrink)

I finished all the other books, but never completed Russ Harris' "The Reality Slap."

This week I picked it back up - and I'm very glad I did.

I'll admit - I don't like Russ Harris' writing style.  I don't think we'd work well in a clinic together.  I can do "mindfullness exercises," but not the way he writes them.  I'm not as "touchy, feely" as he is.  I don't think I could use most of his exact words with my patients.

He doesn't fit my personality, my style, or the way I like to relate to people.  AND - I think he's a great author and this book has real value.

He begins with a great point: "All self help books could be lumped into two categories: those that claim you can have everything you ever wanted in life if you only put your mind to it, and those that claim you can't have everything you want but can still lead a rich and rewarding life." (this book is the latter)

Harris points out that being happy with what we have doesn't mean giving up on goals, needs, wants, etc... It means we don't depend on them for our well being and vitality.

Harris is realistic.  He knows that for most of us, challenging our negative thoughts, repeating positive affirmations, and even self-hypnosis don't work long term.  "Our minds continue to be harsh, judgmental, and self critical."

He points out the fact that our brains don't stop.  We churn out thoughts all day long.  When we're driving, walking, eating, talking, listening, watching, reading - our brain just keeps going.  Thoughts about what we're doing, or not doing, or the girl who just walked by, or the movie we saw, or the political turmoil on the world, or how we should have responded differently to our boss last week when he gave us that assignment.
THE MIND JUST KEEPS RUNNING.

Our minds tell us we are smart, funny, silly, stupid, ugly, strong, inept, over-qualified, under-appreciated, etc...  It judges us.  Sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly.

Harris doesn't tell us to ignore our thoughts, or to fight against them, embrace them, hate them, or change them.

He asks us simply to acknowledge them.  Know they are there.  See them for what they are - thoughts.  The may be painful, joyful, true or false - but first we just recognize them, and accept the fact that they exist.
He doesn't ask us to enjoy painful thoughts. He knows they suck.  They hurt us because we care.

The only things that hurt us are the things we care about.  Our pain shows us what we value.  Pain is not the enemy.  It sucks, it's not fun, but it is not the enemy.  Apathy is the enemy.  When you don't care anymore, when you are unwilling to feel pain, you are also unwilling to feel joy.  That is the message Harris brings.

He also brings stories, research, exercises, and step by step instructions about how we can accept the pain in our lives, and with that pain, move forward living the life we value.

The book title is genius - The Reality Slap.  What do we do when we realize that our life is not what we want? When we get slapped in the face by a death, a cancer diagnosis, a job loss, addiction, etc...  What do we do when we can't meet our expectations.  Do we "try harder" or "lower our expectations?"  Or is there another option....

Let It Go: A Song about Avoidance

Elsa has some serious talents and abilities, but as a child she almost kills her sister, and then her parents die when she’s still very young.

She learns that emotions hurt. Love hurts. Caring hurts. Fun hurts. Family hurts.  She quickly learns to avoid feeling anything.  Avoid any connection, any closeness, any chance at vulnerability.  She must “conceal, don’t feel.”  “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.”

Elsa has learned that all feelings are bad.  She has tried to keep herself isolated and alone while surrounded by people trying to love her.  Her sister tries and tries to get her to open the door – but Elsa can’t.  She can’t stand the thought of hurting Anna, or the thought of being vulnerable again.

What does she do when she realizes that avoidance doesn’t work?  That you can’t avoid emotion forever.  It builds and builds until eventually – it’s going to come out. 

And Wow does it come out.  When it does, it looks like it would for most neglected and abandoned kids who feel guilty for things that weren’t their fault.  They lash out with a horrific torrent of emotion that pushes everyone away.  They break all the rules.  All the things they cared for and loved end up getting smashed and destroyed as they run away.

Elsa doesn’t realize it but she has made her emotions only have two settings: High and Off.

She is either calm or in crisis.  She can’t be a little happy, or a little sad.  She has no range of emotions.    She is either holding everything in – or it’s all barreling out of her like a cannon. 

Her reaction leaves behind a broken family asking questions, begging for her to come back. Elsa’s never going back. The past is in the past.

Elsa lets it all go.  She’s now  “a runaway” but she doesn’t care.  She can’t keep loving those she left behind – it hurts too much. 

She thinks she’s free.  She thinks that now she has control.  The fears that once controlled her can’t get to her at all.

She doesn’t see that she has traded one version of isolation for another.  She hasn’t really let anything go.  She is still afraid.  Still isolated.  She still has no control over her emotions.  She’s just traded her stone palace for an ice palace.  She is still hurting those she loves, she just doesn’t have to see it.  She is still avoiding all feeling, still uncomfortable in her own skin.

“Let it Go” sounds nice as a song title or a slogan.  But in reality, it’s just as backwards and hypocritical as her life has been.  She hasn’t let anything go.  She hasn’t “become free.” She isn’t accepting who she really is, or freeing herself from other’s judgments.  She’s just trading one prison for another.

What she needs to let go of – is her avoidance.  She needs to feel, REALLY feel. Not just the happiness, but the sadness as well. She needs to let herself feel the joy, the heartache, the sadness, the love, the contempt, the appreciation, the guilt.  She needs to feel it all.  She needs to learn to accept feeling all those emotions.  She doesn’t need to enjoy them all, just accept that they are there, and be willing to feel them.

When she let’s go of avoidance – then she’ll have control.  Then nothing can hold her back anymore.  Then she’ll truly be free.

Too Good for a Job?

Here are the three stories I tell my kids, teenagers, and even adults when they tell me they can't find a job, or even better, they are "too good" or "too educated for a job."

STORY #1:  How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Through a potato field.

When I was sixteen years old, I auditioned for and earned a spot in my High School's top choir.  The choir had already been selected to sing in Carnegie Hall the following Spring. 
One problem. That trip would cost $1500 which was substantially more than I had made the last two summers working as a counselor at a Boy Scout summer camp.  I had made $100 the first summer, and $300 the second.
I now needed to make 5X that.

I asked around to all my friends and neighbors:  What job could a sixteen year old get that would pay $1500 in one summer?  The only answer I found was: Potato Roguer.

A what?

Exactly.  No one even knows what that is.  My job that summer was to arrive to work at 6 a.m., walk potato fields all day long in the mud and the heat with the sweat and sprinkler water and even pesticides dripping off me.  I was being paid to identify diseased potato plants and dig them up so that when the "purity inspectors" came through, the farmers would get a higher purity rating.

6 days a week for over 2 months - I walked from sun-up to sun-down with a shovel in my hands to dig out diseased potatoes.  The next spring... I was singing in Carnegie Hall.  The experience was amazing, and well worth two months of roguing.

STORY # 2: But I'm supposed to have a scholarship!

When I was a senior in high school I already knew my options for paying for college.  My parents told me long before that they couldn't afford tuition.  So I could either pay for it myself, or get a scholarship.

I decided to get a scholarship.

I figured out what ACT score and GPA I would need for a scholarship - and worked to get it.  My GPA ended up lower than I wanted, which means I needed a really high ACT score.  I had taken the test my freshman year - scored too low. I took a review course and tried again my sophomore year - still too low.  Junior year? - too low.  End of Junior year after another review course? -  still one point too low.

My senior year I was panicking. I took the ACT for a fifth time, but until the results came back, I was a nervous wreck.  I'd been accepted to the colleges I wanted, but all I had earned so far was "in-state tuition."  I already had a newspaper route which I did every morning,  It wouldn't pay enough for college.  So I got a second job washing dishes at Chili's.  I got up at 5:30 every morning to deliver newspapers, went to school all day (rehearsing for choir during my lunch hour) then went to track after school till 4:00 and then worked washing dishes from 5:30 p.m. till 1:00 a.m.

 - Luckily I didn't have to work like that for long.  My ACT score came back - and it was high enough for the full ride scholarship.  College was paid for, but only after being willing to work crazy hours for it.

STORY #3: What does a couple do with 2 bachelor's degrees while they're in medical school?  They deliver newspapers.

My wife and I had both graduated with our B.S. degrees a year before.  I was in medical school and my wife was raising our 1 soon to be 2 children.  We didn't have enough money.  The student loans for one med-student weren't enough to sustain of family of three.  So we started looking for side jobs.  Eventually she got a job substitute teaching in the elementary schools and I got a job as a valet at a country club, but what did we do for the month before we found those jobs?  We delivered newspapers.  230 of them every morning. 

What's my point?

Strive for the best jobs.  Study, get degrees, don't settle for less than you're worth.  BUT while on the journey - do what you have to do.  Work any job.  You're never too good for a job, you're only too good to stay there permanently. 

Studying For Tests: My Two Decades of Evolving Study Techniques

Last week I took the PRITE exam.  (Psychiatry Resident In Training Exam)

I still have more tests to take in the future: Child Psychiatry Board Exam, General Psychiatry Board Exam, etc...
I may be a doctor, but I only got here by becoming an expert test taker first.  Which means I had to learn how to study.
I am not the smartest or best test taker by far.  I did not glide through medical school, and I was not in the top of my class.  I worked hard, constantly evolving my study skills to meet the latest challenge.  Here is my journey.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

 - I almost never studied.  It was so bad that when there were spelling tests and two words were pronounced the same (red, read) I'd have to ask the teacher to use the word in a sentence because I had never looked at the list.
I only studied when there was a competition.  When I was in a Geography competition I spent hours and hours at home memorizing all the countries.

HIGH SCHOOL

 - I studied a little for classes, but I knew there was one test that mattered most: The ACT.  I checked all the colleges I wanted to go to - and figured out what ACT and GPA I would need for a scholarship.  My GPA would take consistent work - but the ACT was a single test with HUGE results.  That's why I needed to figure out how to take it.  I took it my freshman year - I didn't get the score I wanted.
I took a review course and took it my sophomore year - still too low.  I took it again my Junior year - too low.  I took another review course and then took it again my junior year - 1 point too low.
I took it for the fifth time my Senior Year - NAILED IT!

I earned the scholarship I needed to be able to pay for college, and off I went.

COLLEGE

 - This is where I learned the necessity of study groups.  I walked into a physics class and quickly discovered - I didn't get it.  I could go to lecture and read the book and it still made no sense.  So about the 2nd week of class I paid attention to who was bored, but always knew the answer.  Two guys in the front (Jake and Pete) were always joking together, but when the teacher called on them - they answered everything right.
I walked up to them after class and asked if I could study with them. 
They already had a study room reserved 3 days a week at the same time for the whole semester.
All 3 of us aced Physics.
I then took Calculus.  I couldn't find a good study group so I went to the math tutoring center.  I sat there every afternoon for 4 months.  I used the same tutor every time.  He got paid by the school, I learned calculus, and thanks to him I aced that course.
Then came Genetics, Anatomy, Physiology, Organic Chemistry, Evolution, Pathophysiology, etc...
That's when I found my perfect study partner - Kyle.
He was more "bookish" than I was.  I knew the lectures.  I knew what the teachers liked, what topics they cared about and what lecture facts they were most likely to test.
Kyle new the book.  He knew the concepts, the underlying theory.  We sat in study rooms and wrote on white board for hours and hours - recreating metabolic pathways and memorizing names, equations, and formulas.  If not for him, I never would have passed those classes.
For a "pre-med" there is one test that determines the rest of your life: The MCAT.
It is the test to get into medical school.  I couldn't just take it 5 times to get the score I needed, because med school's don't just get your top score, they get all your scores.  They want someone who took it once and nailed it.
So - I decided to study for 1 year with a group of eight guys.
We took the formal practice exam nine months before the real thing.  We all scored too low.  We then met EVERY Saturday and practiced.  We reviewed practice questions, took practice tests, quizzed each other, wrote practice essays.  We worked, and worked, and worked.  One year later - I had my high score, and I was accepted at multiple medical schools.

MEDICAL SCHOOL

 - This is where I learned the art of note taking and an exact / never changing schedule.  By this time I was married with a child and I would have two more children before the end of medical school.  I needed family time, and I needed it to be dependable and predictable.
So I car-pooled with three classmates.  We left at 6:30 a.m. and came home at 5:30 p.m.  Whether we had classes or not - we were at school for 11 hours a day.  Saturday mornings I spent at the library from 9-12... always.
I learned that there was WAY too much material to review.  I needed one place to put all the pertinent information.  ONE page of notes for each test.
My first year the page looked like this:

By second year it looked like this:



I had to have a faster way to review, and to know what was important for the test.
We had study groups every day.  We always got together the night before a test to review again.  We always invited our friend Joel (the smartest guy in the class who lived near us) to join us.  He would give us the info we never thought to learn.  He would know the answers to questions no one had asked, and no one cared about...except the professor.  I learned enough to pass from my study group, I learned enough to do WELL from Joel.
When the 11 hours got too boring - I found a way to make studying more fun.  When studying anatomy I purchased flash cards with every muscle, bone, artery, vein, and organ labeled.  I'd place the cards all around the edge of  a pool table - and start a game.  Every shot I took - I'd memorize everything on the card under the cue before I took the next shot.  My games of pool took a long time - but I aced my anatomy tests.
I also learned to relax and recoup.  After EVERY test, we'd play basketball.  About 15 guys showed up every time, and we'd play for an hour or two. (you have to do something to stay sane.)

In medical school, there is a test that MUST be passed to go to residency -  the General Medical Boards.(USMLE or COMLEX)  It's actually three tests, each about one year apart, hundreds of questions, hundreds of dollars to take each.
I studied for each one for six months.  I bought the books, I listened to the review lectures, I took the practice tests.  I spent thousands of dollars on review materials, travel, hotels, and the tests themselves.  I didn't get the highest scores, but I passed every single test the first time. 

RESIDENCY

 - It finally happened.  I got to the point where I can read a book and understand the material and remember it.  I now have 4 kids and a very busy position in my church.  I really don't have time to get together for study groups.  So I read.  I have a book with me EVERYWHERE.  I have one at work to read between appointments.  I take one to the DMV while I wait in line, read it on my lunch breaks, and keep one on my night stand to read before going to bed.
That way I can always play with my kids, and when they move on to something else - I can read. 

Why do I mention all of this?  Today I spoke with a sophomore in college whose grades are slipping.  He told me "I've never had to study and I just don't really know how."

This is what I told him.  You start by looking for new solutions.  You go to the tutoring center, you ask people if you can study with them, you make routines and schedules, you find a way.

I didn't make it through school unscathed.  I never had a 4.0 in high school or college.  I almost failed a course in med-school (the week after my 2nd baby was born).  I am not the smartest, or the brightest.  I'm smart "enough," and I learned how to study.  That is the "secret" of my success.