Book Review - The Happiness Trap

It’s worth it in the end. - That is my first thought that describes this book.   When I began this book I did not enjoy it.  Honestly, it annoyed me.  

By the time I finished it I realized ways I could make substantial improvements in my life.

First: The annoying part.

The author (Dr. Harris) seems to assume that all his readers have the same thought processes, make the same mistakes, and can be fixed the same way.  

He begins by telling us we likely believe four myths.  

Myth 1: Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings
Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective
Myth 3: To Create a Better Life, We Must Get Rid of Negative Feelings
Myth 4: You Should Be Able to Control What You Think and Feel

I don’t think most people believe THESE myths.   I think they believe truths that are very closely related to these that get twisted. 

1: Happiness is a possible natural state for all human beings (happiness, not pleasure)

2: You can learn to be happier by fixing your defective habits

3: You can create a better life, and you will have less negative feelings.

4:  You should gain better control of your thoughts and feelings as you progress.

Doctor Harris spends half the book teaching a useful but difficult lesson.  We have two ways of thinking or two minds.  We have the “observing” and the “thinking” mind.  The observing mind is always observing and recording.  It doesn’t interpret or judge, it just observes what’s there.  Then our thinking mind can interpret that information if need be, or think about something else entirely.  That’s why you can drive your car on the interstate and not remember the last 15 miles because you’ve been thinking about something.  Your observing mind always observed you were driving in your lane, so your thinking mind left it alone and pondered something else.

He teaches us how to stop beating ourselves up for the constant flow of thoughts we can’t really control.  Thoughts will come that we never wanted.  When we dwell on them or try to drive them out, we always seem to make things worse and end up angry or upset at ourselves.  He teaches us to simply accept the thought, and then move on.  Don’t dwell on it, not try to avoid it.  Acknowledge it – it’s just a thought.  It’s not an action, it’s not a destiny.  It’s a thought, you had it, it was there, and you can’t change that.  Accept it, then move on.

The end of the book is great.   It teaches how to make real change that brings real happiness.  Happiness comes from living according to your values.  He urges us to spend REAL time discovering our values.  Not our goals, or what society tells us to care about, but what we REALLY care about.  Figure those values out, then set immediate, short medium, and long term goals that are congruent with your values.

I’m using what I’ve learned, and my life is getting better.  What more can I say?

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

“Today’s middle class lives better than did the Royalty of not so long ago, and yet humans today don’t seem very happy.” – p. 2

“You won’t change your life simply by reading this book.” – p. 35

“We have many thousands of useless or unhelpful thoughts every day.” – p. 49

“Letting the radio play on without giving it much attention is very different from actively trying to ignore it.” – p. 66

“Despite everything you’ve tried over the years, isn’t it a fact that your mind still produces unpleasant pictures?” – p. 75

“What would I attempt if thoughts of failure didn’t deter me?” – p. 79

“The fight-or-flight is often triggered in situations where it is of little or no use to us.” – p. 85

“Any search for a Pain-free existence is doomed to failure.” – p. 137

“What do you want your life to be about?” – P. 167

“He who has the why to live for, can bear almost any how.” – F. Nietzsche – p. 170

“Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you.” – p. 186

“If you’re living a goal-focused life, then no matter what you have, it’s never enough…find the values underlying your goals.” – p. 198

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain – p. 216

“Commitment isn’t about being perfect, always following through, or never going astray.  Commitment means that when you (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on.” – p. 219

“Success in life means living by your values.” – p. 221

“If you don’t decide where you’re going, you’ll end up wherever you’re heading.” – p. 232