Friday, March 2, 2012

The Princess Bride - in 5 minutes

I am working on this to perform for a talent show -  I thought it might be fun to re-enact the movie "The Princess Bride" in 5 minutes.  Here's my current script. (Suggested changes are welcome)



Nintendo Music
Grandfather: Heyyyy!!
Grandfather: How's the sickie?
Grandson: A book? I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather:  Oh. Well thank you very much."The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern,  Chapter One. 
Grandfather:  Buttercup was raised on a small farm
Buttercup:  Farm boy!  Fetch me that pitcher.
Westley: As you wish.

Grandson: Hold it, hold it! Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather:  Keep your shirt on, let me read.  His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts
Grandson:  Murdered by pirates is good....

Buttercup:  I will never love again.

Humperdinck:  My people, the Princess Buttercup.
Vizzini: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers.
Fezzik:  Who's Guilder?
Vizzini:  I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
Fezzik:  I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini:  YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS!
Inigo:  Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik:  If there are, we'll all be dead!
Vizzini:  No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik:  Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini:  DYEAH!!

Inigo:  You are sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini:  Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night... through eel infested waters.
Vizzini:  Whoever he is, he's too late. SEE?
Vizzini: THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY! HURRY UP! MOVE THE THING! AND THAT OTHER THING! MOVE IT!

Vizzini:  YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS GREAT LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS!

Fezzik:  He's got very good arms.
Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!

Inigo:  I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
Man In Black: Do you always begin conversations this way?
Inigo:  You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Man In Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Inigo:  I admit it, you are better than I am.
Man In Black:  Then why are you smiling?
Inigo:  Because I know something you don't know.
Man In Black:  And what is that?
Inigo:  I am not left-handed.
Man In Black:  There is something I ought to tell you.
Inigo:  Tell me.
Man In Black:  I'm not left-handed either

Fezzik:  I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.
Man In Black:  I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women.

Vizzini:  So it is down to you, and it is down to me. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man In Black:  Yes.
Vizzini:  Morons
Man In Black:  In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Man In Black:  What you do not smell is called Iocane powder
Vizzini:  Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man In Black:  Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini:  WAIT TILL I GET GOING!
Man In Black:  Then make your choice
Vizzini:  I will, and I choose-- What in the world can that be?
Man In Black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini:  You Fool! I switched glasses when your back was turned!
Vizzini:  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha

Humperdinck:  Iocane. I'd bet my life on it.

Buttercup:  You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!
Dread Pirate Roberts: With pride.
Buttercup:  You mock my pain!
Dread Pirate Roberts:  Life is pain Highness.
Buttercup:  And you can die too for all I care
Dread Pirate Roberts: As...
Dread Pirate Roberts: You...
Dread Pirate Roberts: Wish!!
Buttercup:  Oh my sweet Westley, What have I done?
Buttercup:  Oh
Buttercup:  Ow
Buttercup:  Ah

Westley:  Ha! Your pig fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp.
Buttercup:  Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.s?   Westley:  Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

Albino: The Pit of Despair. Don't even think—HACK -  Don't even think about trying to escape.

Humperdinck:  I present to you your Queen, Queen Buttercup!
Ancient Booer:  Boo! Boo! Boo!

Grandson:  See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?
Grandfather:  Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.

Westley:  t-r-u-e  l-o-v-e.
Miracle Max: True Love is the greatest thing in the world,
Miracle Max: Except for a nice MLT--- mutton, lettuce and tomato
Miracle Max: :But that's not what he said--- he distinctly said "To blave"
Valerie:  Liar! Lia----r!
Miracle Max:  Get back, witch!
Valerie:  I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, Humperdinck Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Miracle Max:  Have fun storming the castle! Valerie:  Think it'll work? Miracle Max:  It would take a miracle. Miracle Max:  Bye-bye!!

Clergyman:  Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togevah today.

Westley:  Give us the gate key.
Yellin:  I have no gate key.
Inigo:  Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin:  Oh, you mean this gate key

Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. HELLO. MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA.  YOU KILLED MY FATHER, PREPARE TO DIE.

Humperdinck: To the death.
Westley:  No! To the pain.
Humperdinck:  I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase
Westley:  To the pain" means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdinck:  I think you're bluffing.
Westley:  It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass,
Westley:  Drop... your... sword.

Grandfather: And as dawn arose
Grandfather: Westley and Buttercup reached for each other--
Grandson:  What? What?
Grandfather:  Naw, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that.
Grandson:  Well,
Grandson:  I don't mind so much.
Grandfather:  Okay, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. 
Grandfather:  This one left them all behind.
Grandson:  Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandfather:  As you wish.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

how are you going to do this as a one man show? dress changes or wigs? I am curious to know.

Simple Citizen said...

If I do it as a one man show as planned - I don't think I'd have time to even switch hats/hair/masks. I think I'd have to do it with just voices and actions.

I think it would work well with one other person and both of us would be playing multiple people, but we'd have time to switch hats/hair/mask while the other person is saying their line in the conversation.

buzygrizz said...

Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Otherwise, fabulous job of putting the best quotes together.

I thought of a few others, but you can't exactly do the ENTIRE script, can you?

For the performance, maybe have a helper but a picture name as you're doing each person (or to completely do by yourself: pre-set up a powerpoint with all of them in order and just push the spacebar each time). After all, some people will not have the script word-for-word memorized like some of us do. :)

Sarah Hastings said...

ever seen A Tuna Christmas? It has some language but it hilarious, i think you would really like it.

Simple Citizen said...

Sara - I have not seen Tuna Christmas - but now you have me intrigued.

I have now taken 113 Screen shots from the movie and I will make a movie slide show showing the picture from the movie of each line as I'm saying it. I - think it'll look pretty good.