The Parent's Breaking Point

I remember hearing stories like:

"Mom jailed after duct taping pacifier to baby's head" (a 4 month old died from this)
"Sleep deprived mom shakes baby to death" 

I remember thinking - how does a parent get to that point?  How could a parent be so unloving, so selfish, so abusive, so careless?

Then I had my own child.

It only took about 3 weeks to understand.
I was a first-time parent and I tried desperately to do everything right.  I knew my wife would need sleep more than I would, so I tried to be the one up most at night,  After all - my wife was recovering from labor, was nursing, pumping, and stayed home with our baby all day while I was at work.
It was 3:30 a.m Wednesday morning.  I had worked the last two days, and I had to work the next three.  I was trying desperately to get my baby back to sleep so I could get just a little rest.  My baby had been fed, changed, held, snuggled, swaddled, and everything else I could think of... and she was still screaming at the top of her lungs.  I had bags under my eyes and I was so tired and worn out that I was literally trembling.  I was haggard, and couldn't take another second.  I was holding my daughter in front of my face as she screamed and screamed.  All I could think was "Maybe if I scream louder than she is, she'll stop, or somehow we'll fall asleep from hearing me scream instead of her. (I didn't do that)

Does that sound ridiculous?  It does to me.  But when you're sleep deprived to that level, a lot of things sound reasonable that aren't.

Another time I was trying to get our baby to stay asleep with a pacifier.  As long as she had the pacifier in her mouth she would stay asleep.  As soon as it fell out she would wake up crying.  I tried putting blankets on both sides of her head so she was less likely to turn her head.  I thought of ways to keep the pacifier in place.  I thought of attaching a tiny ribbon to the pacifier and laying the edges of the ribbon under her head.  Then the tension would hold it in place till she turned her head or rolled over.  (I didn't do that either)

I had a friend tell me once about the day she knew she was too sleep deprived.  She said: "I was feeding one baby when my 16 month old walked up to me screaming.  I thought to myself.  If I pushed his head with my foot just right, he might tip over and hit his head hard enough to be knocked out - but have no permanent damage."  My friend was mortified that she had that thought, and called her doctor right away to ask about post-partum depression and sleep deprivation.

That's when I realized I was lucky.  I had a spouse to help.  I had parents to help.  I also had a lot of training about all the bad things that can happen and how to avoid them.  I'd been taught to put the baby in her crib and walk away.  Make sure the baby is safe, then go to the other end of the house.  Tell my wife I'm going for a drive.  Do something else.  A safe screaming baby will survive in her crib for a few minutes. 

I knew those lessons, but I understand now how a parent can get to the point of thinking that "shaking the baby might work," "tying the pacifier around their head will keep it in place," or "one sleeping pill won't hurt the baby."
They are wrong of course, and I don't condone their actions. I don't excuse them or think there shouldn't be consequences for child abuse and neglect.

But I don't demonize those parents either.  What if I were a single parent?  What if I didn't have a stable job, friends and family to help out?  What if, what if, what if...

All parents have a breaking point.  It doesn't mean you're a bad parent, it means you're human.  The goal is not to deny the breaking point, or to say "that'll never happen to me."  The point is to know it will happen and to prepare for it.  You need to build yourself a safety net so when it does happen, you don't make a terrible decision.