A Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory

I have read the Alcoholics Anonymous big book, and multiple other books on addiction.  I have read the entire Holy Bible and the Book or Mormon many times.  I have read the Bhagavad Gita, the writings of Confucius, and many books by other religious leaders and deep thinkers.  I have taken classes from a Zen master, spent hours doing Yoga, sat for long periods in contemplation and meditation, fasted for days, and prayed thousands of times. 

There is a unifying theme: Self discovery, meditation, reflection, inner peace, or in other words: an analysis of oneself.

As I study the "12 steps" I find Step 4 to be the most important, the most daunting, and the most meaningful for life in general. 

Step 4 does not say: "List all the bad things you've done."  It asks you to make a "searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself."  Figure out who you are.  What makes you tick? What failures have you had, and what led you there?  What resentments do you still hold?  Why are they still there after all this time?  What are your greatest strengths, your talents, your abilities?  What keeps you from excelling?

Step 4 isn't just about getting over an addiction, or repenting, or fixing past mistakes.  It's about self-discovery.  This is about answering the hardest question we've ever asked ourselves: "Who am I?" 

Writing out this fearless moral inventory will help you discover your true relationship with yourself, with God, and with others. You will find weaknesses. You will find strengths.  You will also find reasons for both.  You will find heartache and joy, but mostly you will find understanding. 

I began working on this four months ago.  I'm still not even close to finishing.

Today's Self-Contemplation: Why do I connect with certain fictional characters?

Why do I connect so well with Jean ValJean from Les Miserables?  Why did I write a 1400 word essay comparing ValJean to Tevye from the Fiddler on the Roof?  Why do connect with Tevye?

When I read the massive book about King Arthur (The Once and Future King) - why didn't I relate to Arthur, or Merlyn, or Pellinore or Galahad, but rather it was Lancelot who struck me to the bone as if our struggles were identical?

I'm beginning to see the themes:

Val Jean: I have done wrong, and cannot escape it. I want to do good, forever, for everyone. Even if I became as wealthy as a King, I honestly don't think I would spend it on myself - I'd use it to help other people. I can forgive myself, and I can forgive others - but I will not excuse myself or resent the law or accusers when I am in the wrong. When I am wrong, I deserve the punishment. Another person should never have to suffer in my place.
ValJean worked his whole life to love other people, to fulfill his promises, his duties. He found in the end that "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Lancelot: I have this strong desire inside me to be the best - at so many things. Not because I want to be better than others, but because I want to reach my potential. I want to be the best doctor. I want to be able to perform miracles - to be so pure that God could work through me.  But like Lancelot - I know I fall short. I don't even know if I want it for the right reasons. Like Lancelot, I repeatedly question my own motives. Do I want to do great deeds for God? for country? for right? or for my own glory? Lancelot's struggle is my own.  The struggle in the mind to be the best, but not compare myself with others. The struggle for perfection, but for the right reasons. The struggle to figure out what really matters in life and who God really wants me to be.

Tevye: The struggling man trying to maintain tradition and his religion while being accepting of others.  He must accept those who change his faith, who leave his faith, and who even go so far as to persecute and mock his faith. He tries to love all and accept all, but then says "how can I turn my back on my faith, my people? If I try and bend that far, I'll break."
Tevye's family and his religion are the most important things in his life, and he cannot live without them. Like him, I struggle to figure out how to be true to myself, my God, my family, yet be open, accepting, loving, and adaptable.

Hopefully this post was helpful to someone in some way.  Hopefully it leads you to a moment of self-reflection, and eventually, to a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.

Eragon and the 12 Steps

That's right - dragon riding magicians and alcoholics anonymous have something in common - at least in the head of a budding psychiatrist.

I enjoyed reading the Eragon series.  (I know it's officially entitled "The Inheritance Cycle" but no one is going to recognize it by that name)

One intriguing part of the book is the importance of one's "True Name."  It is often said that your true name is a word or series of words that truly represents you.  The knowledge of one's true name is a source of great power. 
Throughout the series it's hinted at - but until the final book we never discover what is included in a true name.

At one point Eragon asks an old sage-like Dragon Rider if he can teach Eragon his true name.  The sage tells him he probably could, but "a person must earn enlightenment."

Eventually Eragon spends days out on his own, analyzing himself.  He reviews his history, his life, his motives, his actions.  He analyzes his character, his strengths and weaknesses, his faults and follies.  He fearlessly delves into his own life, to figure out who he really is, who he has become.  He knows his name will not be completely positive, nor completely negative.  It will be absolutely true and reflective of him.  If he is rigorously honest  with himself - he will understand himself and gain great power over himself, and thus his future.

Last week while reading the AA big book I came upon step 4: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

That's Eragon - that's finding your true name!

The AA book goes on: We want to uncover the truth about ourselves. We want to discover the attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, fears, actions, behaviors, and the behavior patterns - that have been blocking us, causing us problems and causing our failure.
We want to learn the exact nature our "character defects" and what causes us to do the unacceptable things we do - so that once they are removed - we can acquire and live with new attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, actions and behaviors for our highest good, and for the highest good of those with whom we come in contact.

AA gives specific areas to look at during step 4:

Self Esteem – How I Think of Myself

Pride – How I Think Others View Me

Pocketbook – Basic Desire for Money,Property, Possessions, Financial Security

Emotional Security – General Sense of Personal Well Being

Ambitions – Our Plans – Our Wants – Our Desires

Personal Relations – Our Relationships With Other People

Sex Relations – Basic Drive For Sexual Intimacy

I'm guessing I could go back and read the entire Eragon series again and I could point out where he completed each of the 12 steps.  But that would take a ton of work, and it would be forced - I'd have to make things fit.  This example to me was obvious and was not forced in the least. 
When Christopher Paolini wrote Eragon he realized a great truth - that to have true power one must fully understand one's self.
Bill Wilson realized the same thing when he wrote the 12 steps.