A Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory

I have read the Alcoholics Anonymous big book, and multiple other books on addiction.  I have read the entire Holy Bible and the Book or Mormon many times.  I have read the Bhagavad Gita, the writings of Confucius, and many books by other religious leaders and deep thinkers.  I have taken classes from a Zen master, spent hours doing Yoga, sat for long periods in contemplation and meditation, fasted for days, and prayed thousands of times. 

There is a unifying theme: Self discovery, meditation, reflection, inner peace, or in other words: an analysis of oneself.

As I study the "12 steps" I find Step 4 to be the most important, the most daunting, and the most meaningful for life in general. 

Step 4 does not say: "List all the bad things you've done."  It asks you to make a "searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself."  Figure out who you are.  What makes you tick? What failures have you had, and what led you there?  What resentments do you still hold?  Why are they still there after all this time?  What are your greatest strengths, your talents, your abilities?  What keeps you from excelling?

Step 4 isn't just about getting over an addiction, or repenting, or fixing past mistakes.  It's about self-discovery.  This is about answering the hardest question we've ever asked ourselves: "Who am I?" 

Writing out this fearless moral inventory will help you discover your true relationship with yourself, with God, and with others. You will find weaknesses. You will find strengths.  You will also find reasons for both.  You will find heartache and joy, but mostly you will find understanding. 

I began working on this four months ago.  I'm still not even close to finishing.

Today's Self-Contemplation: Why do I connect with certain fictional characters?

Why do I connect so well with Jean ValJean from Les Miserables?  Why did I write a 1400 word essay comparing ValJean to Tevye from the Fiddler on the Roof?  Why do connect with Tevye?

When I read the massive book about King Arthur (The Once and Future King) - why didn't I relate to Arthur, or Merlyn, or Pellinore or Galahad, but rather it was Lancelot who struck me to the bone as if our struggles were identical?

I'm beginning to see the themes:

Val Jean: I have done wrong, and cannot escape it. I want to do good, forever, for everyone. Even if I became as wealthy as a King, I honestly don't think I would spend it on myself - I'd use it to help other people. I can forgive myself, and I can forgive others - but I will not excuse myself or resent the law or accusers when I am in the wrong. When I am wrong, I deserve the punishment. Another person should never have to suffer in my place.
ValJean worked his whole life to love other people, to fulfill his promises, his duties. He found in the end that "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Lancelot: I have this strong desire inside me to be the best - at so many things. Not because I want to be better than others, but because I want to reach my potential. I want to be the best doctor. I want to be able to perform miracles - to be so pure that God could work through me.  But like Lancelot - I know I fall short. I don't even know if I want it for the right reasons. Like Lancelot, I repeatedly question my own motives. Do I want to do great deeds for God? for country? for right? or for my own glory? Lancelot's struggle is my own.  The struggle in the mind to be the best, but not compare myself with others. The struggle for perfection, but for the right reasons. The struggle to figure out what really matters in life and who God really wants me to be.

Tevye: The struggling man trying to maintain tradition and his religion while being accepting of others.  He must accept those who change his faith, who leave his faith, and who even go so far as to persecute and mock his faith. He tries to love all and accept all, but then says "how can I turn my back on my faith, my people? If I try and bend that far, I'll break."
Tevye's family and his religion are the most important things in his life, and he cannot live without them. Like him, I struggle to figure out how to be true to myself, my God, my family, yet be open, accepting, loving, and adaptable.

Hopefully this post was helpful to someone in some way.  Hopefully it leads you to a moment of self-reflection, and eventually, to a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.

Why Les Miserables Matters

Les Miserables is about belief, faith, and conversion.  It is about moments of Crisis that test us and try us.

Do you live what you profess?  What would it take to change your mind?  Can people change?  What is worth living for?  What is worth dying for?

These are the themes of Les Miserables.  Each main character must face a moment when their view on life, their professed reason for happiness, is challenged.

THE BISHOP:

The story begins with an old Bishop.  He gives up the large church to make it a hospital, and moves his alter and house into the old small hospital.  He helps the poor, the needy, and never keeps anything nice or expensive for himself, except a nice set of silver dinnerware. 

Along comes a poor convict – fresh out of prison.  The Bishop gives the man dinner on his silver, lets him sleep on a feather bed, and calls him “brother.”
The convict steals all the silverware from the cupboard.  He runs away in the night and is caught by the gendarmes and brought back to the Bishop. 

The bishop has always professed to be a forgiving man of God.  He lives a poor simple life, but has somehow kept this silver all along.  Will he still be forgiving to a man that betrayed his trust and mocked his hospitality?  Will he still keep his little guilty pleasure – the silver, or will he give it up, and forgive the convict?  Where does his happiness lie?  Is it in Justice or Mercy?

THE MOTHER:

She falls in love.  She is in the prime of her youth and can’t imagine a better life.  Then her wealthy boyfriend abandons her one day and she is left alone, pregnant, with no employment.  She passes a woman on the street who had two daughters of her own.  Those two little girls look happy and content.  Her daughter could possibly have a better life living with them for a time.  Will the mother give up her daughter to grant her the chance at a better life?

The mother attains work, but is eventually cast out because she has a child and no husband.  She can’t find any good work and must decide between her pride and dignity, and supporting her daughter financially.  Will she sell her locket, her hair, her teeth, her virtue?  What can she sacrifice for the love of her daughter?  Where does her happiness lie?  Is it in her own life, or her daughters?

THE REVOLUTIONARY:

His father left when he was young, and never returned.  His Grandfather is rich and wants to dictate how his grandson lives his life.  Will this young man live a rich privileged life that he is entitled to?  While he live poor?  When he finds out his father was a good honest man, will he follow his footsteps? 

The revolutionary believes in the people of France.  He believes in the cause of freedom.  His life is dedicated to the revolution.  Then he falls in love - completely and absolutely head-over-heels in love.  His love is leaving, going away to England forever.  Will he follow her and find happiness in a life of love and happiness?  Will he stay and fight at the barricades in the cause of freedom?

The revolutionary knows his father’s life was saved by a man named Thernardier.  He swears to his father to help this “Thernardier” if they ever meet.  He swears to help him anyway he can.  When they do meet, Thernardier is a the worst and most vile of men.  The revolutionary watches as his girlfriend and her father are threatened, kidnapped, and held hostage by Thernardier.

Should the Revolutionary save his girlfriend, or the man he swore to serve and protect?  Is his happiness in love, or in honor?

THE OTHER WOMAN:

(this story line is only in the musical, not in the book)

She loves a young man.  He is handsome; he is brave; he is rich but lives like he’s poor.; and… he is in love with someone else. 

She would be his at any moment if he asked, but he sees them as “just friends.”  He asks her to help him court his love.  He asks her to find her, find her address, take him to her, deliver her love notes.

Where does the happiness of ”the other woman” lie?  Is it in being with him, or in making him happy by helping him be with another?

When he breaks her heart over and over again, should she still defend and help him?  When his life is in danger, will she sacrifice her life for his, even though he is in love with someone else?

THE INSPECTOR:

Life is just.  You reap what you sow.  There are no hand-outs.  There are no gray areas.  There is hard work and honest living, and that’s the way to be happy. 
He is just in all things.  He gives people exactly what is required by law.  He has no need to pass judgment because that is for God and the courts.  He enforces.

Men are good, or men are bad.  They choose, and they keep their course.  He has seen it time and time again. 

When Javert wrongly accuses a man, he asks for demotion and reprimand.  He asks that justice be meted out on him as it is on everyone else.

What does he do when a convict, a man who broke his parole and is on the lam, appears to be good? The man helps others and lives a seemingly honest life.   How can this be?

When a man he has hunted, chased, and found has a chance to kill the inspector, the convict instead lets him live.  He lets him go.

When the convict should be running for his life, he stops to help an injured young man, to carry him to safety.

The convict never asks for help for himself, only to be allowed to help others.  He needs an hour, a day, a short time to finish helping someone else, then he’ll turn himself in.  Can he be believed?

The Inspector must decide: Is happiness found in never breaking a single rule?  Is it found in justice?  Is there room for mercy, and if so, how can he reconcile that in his mind? 

THE CONVICT:

He is the main character of the story.  He has many of these moments of Crisis.  When he is shown kindness and love, will he steal and be who he has become in Prison?  Will he steal the silver from the Bishop?
When he is forgiven and given a new lease on life – will he change, will he become a better man?

When another man is accused in his place.  When the convict could have someone else jailed in his place, will he let it happen and live a free man, or will he confess to save this stranger from a lifetime in Prison?

When the convict sees a prostitute being abused and mis-accused, while he stand up for her? 

When he is asked to care for a little child, what will he do for her? 

When she grows up and has become all he cares about in the world, can he let her go when it is her time to move on, marry, and live her own life?

When he is given a chance to exact punishment and vengeance on the officer who had been chasing him his entire adult life, will he take it.? When the officer has done “wrong” and the convict has ”the right” to kill him, will he?

When the convict realizes he is a liability to his daughter, will he exit her life for good, for her good?

This story speaks to us.  It speaks to the very core of why we live.  What makes us happy?  What makes life worth living, and death worth dying?  What is the ultimate goal?  Where is the line between right and wrong, good and bad, justice and mercy?

This is about conversion – do we really believe that which we profess?  When it’s all on the line, who are we?

Who Am I?

(If you want to read an abridged version of the book - here's my version)

Les Miserables Predictions:

Yes - I am one of THOSE people.  I love Les Miserables.  I mean REALLY love it.
Due to lack of funds and time I have only been to see the stage musical twice - but here are a few examples of how much I love the story:

I have read the unabridged book 3 times.
I have read 3 abridged versions.
I have abridged my own version because I don't think anyone else "did it right."

I own the 10th Anniversary "In-Concert" DVD
I own the 25th Anniversary "In-Concert" Blu-Ray even though I don't own a blu-ray player. (I refused to buy the DVD because I wanted higher quality)

I watched the 25th Anniversary concert in a movie theater in Reno because I didn't want to wait to buy the blu-ray.  (which I still can't watch)

I can recognize and name everyone from the original cast, the 10th Anniversary cast, and the 25th.

Get the picture?  I'm sure I'm not the biggest fanatic out there - but I might make the short list.

WITH ALL THAT SAID - Here are my predictions:

Prediction #1 - The movie will be a huge success - and not because of people like me.  I see this movie kind of like the JJ Abrams version of Star Trek.  There are fanatical Star Trek fans around the world - but that isn't the reason that Abrams version succeeded.  His version made over $350 million while the last Star Trek movie before his made just $60 million.
Why?
He made it for the masses.  He left enough classic trek material and enough fun inside jokes that trekkers could love it - but even if you had never even heard of Kirk or Spock - you could still love the movie.

That is what Tom Hooper is doing with Les Mis.  He didn't cast Lea Salonga and Alfie Boe, or even Michael Ball (amazing singers from the show) - he cast Anne Hathaway, Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Helena Bonham Carter.

He cast film actors.

He also included enough classic Les Mis to satisfy fans like me.  The original ValJean (Colm Wilkinson) is playing the Bishop.  Samantha Barks is playing Eponine.

Which brings us to...

Prediction #2 - The name that will be on everyone's lips will be Samantha Barks.

Yes - people will say that Anne Hathaway gave a beautiful and heart wrenching performance.  Hugh Jackman held his own as ValJean, no one knew Russell Crowe could sing and he actually did fairly well. 

They will say that Helena Bonham Carter was perfect in her role - the freaky and intimidating but funny Madame Thernardier.  Her husband, Sacha Baron Cohen will also get some good reviews.
Cosette (Amand Seyfried) will be mediocre.

The name that will be talked and talked and talked about - will be Samantha Barks.  Why - because she is amazing, and she is relatively unknown.

She has never been in a movie that wasn't a recording of Les Miserables.  Her T.V. appearances were on a reality show - auditioning for the lead female role in the musical "Oliver!"
She can act, she can sing, she's gorgeous, and she is going to be the best singer in the movie - and people will notice.  This will be her breakthrough to the masses.

Prediction #3 - More musicals will follow suit with the "live recording of songs." Very few musicals use vocal recordings from the set - they're always recorded in a studio and then the actors lip sync on the movie set.  Les Mis is one of the first in a long time to try it - and I think they'll succeed and start a trend.  They'll have to clean up some of the tacks, and some will have studio recordings mixed in (Amanda Seyfried) - but most will be live recordings, and audiences will love the change.

Hugh Jackman explains it here:

Prediction #4 - SPOILER WARNING! The Bishop (Colm Wilkinson) will be in the last scene. 

The musical really screws up one scene - the last one.  In the end, Valjean is dying. 
In the book it goes this way:

"Do you want a priest?"
"I have one," answered Jean Valjean.
And, with his finger, he seemed to designate a point above his head, where, you would have said, he saw some one. It is probable that the Bishop was indeed a witness of this death-agony.

In the musical Fantine and Eponine appear to ValJean  They sing a beautiful duet and take him to heaven.  It's nice, but it doesn't make sense (I've written an entire blog post about why)
In the film this will be fixed for two reasons. 

1. It makes sense.
2. They want Colm Wilkinson to have one last moment at the end of the film - one last goodbye to the role he defined.  He was the original ValJean, and they'll let him end it.

oh - and here is a screen shot from the trailer that shows ValJean and the Bishop - and ValJean is NOT dressed like a convict.  (hint hint)


The film opens Christmas day.  Enjoy.

Eponine Takes Valjean to Heaven?

Les Miserables is my favorite book.  It is also one of my favorite musicals.  The story is deep, and though very complex, the themes are simple.  Regret, Repentence, Love, Forgiveness, Justice, Mercy, etc.

I have read the book 6-7 times and have actually made my own abridged version because I didn't think any of the previous abridgments did it right. (but I digress)

The musical makes one huge mistake in my view.  Eponine comes with Fantine to take Valjean to heaven.

The musical changes parts of the story, and that's fine.  It embellishes Eponine's love story with Marius, but it works, so who cares. (and On My Own is an AMAZING song)

But why does Eponine come get Valjean when he's dying?  She has almost no interaction with him...ever.  In the book, in the musical, they almost never meet, and it's never meaningful.  There is no connection.

Why does she come to take him to heaven then?  Because the music sounded better with a female duet and they needed someone to join Fantine for that song.

Who would be a better choice?

#1 The Bishop.  No one makes more sense.  The Bishop was the one who helped ValJean turn his life around.  The Bishop was the entire crux upon which Valjean changed his life.  Valjean kept those silver candlesticks forever, and looked at them each time he had a moral dilemma.  The Bishop is a man of God, and who would be more natural to be sent to retrieve Val Jean.
Oh - and that's who does it in the Book.  Yes - Victor Hugo wrote the story, and he says the Bishop was with ValJean when he dies.  I think this is the one part of the musical that should be re-written.  I want to hear the duet of the Bishop and Valjean when they are equals, and share in the same sentiment.

#2 Javert.  Wouldn't it be amazing to see that Javert has realized his error, and has not only been forgiven, but is now reconciling with Valjean and they could be friends in heaven?  This wouldn't be as great as the Bishop, but it would be interesting.

If this wasn't esoteric enough - click here to read my comparison of Valjean with Tevye (from Fiddler on the Roof)

Two Fathers: Valjean and Tevye

    



     What will one do for the love of a daughter? These two characters give up all that is dear to them to help the ones they love. Their journey is long and arduous, and maybe that’s why they are so memorable.

     These two men were quite different. Valjean was a convict, finally released from a French prison in 1915. He was a hard man, strong, gruff, and suspicious of everyone, until kindness and mercy were shown to him. He broke his parole and eventually became a wealthy man, the mayor of a city. He there befriended a dying woman whose only wish was to see her daughter before she passed. When the woman died Valjean sought out her daughter Cosette, and cared for her as if she were his own. He tried to keep her innocent, sheltered, and loved. He feared being caught so he avoided making friends or entertaining company. He was a rich man.

     Tevye was a poor milkman living in Czarist Russia in the 1880’s. He lived in a small Jewish village with his wife and 5 daughters. He was very honest, and very religious. He would not perform work on the Sabbath day, he always kept his head covered and wore his prayer shawl. He loved his religion and the traditions that went along with it. He loved his daughters and wanted them to marry intelligent men – scholars.

    Tevye was content with his life, but told God “It's no shame to be poor, but it's no great honor either. So what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?” He then dreams of what he would do with all his money. At first he wants a big house with servants and livestock, but he then says he just wants to see his wife happy. He wants time to sit in the synagogue, and discuss the Holy Books with the learned men. “That would be the sweetest thing of all."

     Jean Valjean was rich,but refused to live like it. He lavished gifts on his daughter Cosette giving her all the finest clothes, but he refused to wear them himself. He walked with a beggars coat - but instead of begging money of others, he gave to the needy. His coat was lined with secret pockets and pouches all filled with money for the poor. He became known as “the beggar who gives alms” and was mockingly called “monsieur threadbare millionaire.” Had Tevye been a rich man, he likely would have spoiled his wife and daughters. I believe he would have been like Valjean, giving to the poor and feeling uncomfortable in wealthy attire.

     Both these men had good lives for a while. They were content, their daughters were happy, and they both thought life would stay that way; but politics would intrude, and their daughters would find love.

     Tevye’s daughters tried his patience progressively. His eldest daughter Tzeitel did not stray far. She simply didn’t want to marry the man the matchmaker had picked. She didn’t want an easier life with the wealthy butcher; she wanted to marry the love of her life, a poor local Jewish tailor named Motel. Tevye was a little disappointed, but he wanted to see her happy, so he gave in.

     Tevye’s second daughter tried his patience further. She wanted to marry a radical young Jewish boy named Perchik who was not from town. When Perchik decided to join the revolution, he proposed and Tevye’s daughter accepted. Tevye forbid the marriage but was told “we are not asking for your permission, only for your blessing. We are going to get married.” Tevye saw no way out. He wanted his daughter to be happy, so again he gave in and gave them then his permission and his blessing. Later, when Perchik went to Kiev to join the revolution, he was arrested and exiled to Siberia. Tevye’s daughter went there to join her husband, and Tevye’s fears were realized. She left the village, likely never to be seen again.

     Tevye’s third daughter asked to marry a young Russian named Fyedka who was not of the Jewish Faith. Tevye forbid it, and forbade them from ever speaking again. When his daughter Chava eloped with the Russian, Tevye proclaimed “Chava is dead to us! We'll forget her.” He cried and struggled mightily when his daughter begged for his acceptance, but he could not ignore his religion, he couldn’t abandon everything he held dear. He ignored her, refused to speak to her and rejected her.

     Soon his perfect little life was completely upside down. One daughter had married a poor tailor, and another had moved to Siberia with her exiled husband. His third daughter had married outside the faith and was now dead to the family. Now, the back-breaking news, he was being forced to leave his home. The Czar had evicted all Jews. Tevye’s entire community was forced to make a mass exodus out of town. As Tevye was leaving town his third daughter came by to say her last goodbyes. He ignored her as she said goodbye to her mother and sisters. He tried to stay strong, stick to his convictions, but he couldn’t help it. He loved her too much. As she was leaving he said “God be with you.”

     Valjean’s adopted daughter Cosette had much in common with Tevye’s daughters. She loved someone who was forbidden by her father - a revolutionary who was going to battle. Her love was not forbidden because the man was poor, or a revolutionary, or of a different faith. It was forbidden because Valjean didn’t know how to live without her. He couldn’t let her go, he couldn’t survive without his little Cosette. It wouldn’t matter what it was that took her away, anything would devastate him. Valjean went to great lengths to keep them apart. Like Tevye, Valjean had more to worry about than just his daughter. He was being chased by the police. An old enemy had also found him, and was trying to rob Valjean of all his wealth. Valjean decided they had to move far away, across the sea. This would keep him from losing her, and also let him escape the police and the thieves that haunt him. He had everything set, his perfect life would continue somewhere else…but his daughter was unhappy. Her boyfriend, Marius, was not going with them. The revolution had begun and he was staying to fight. He sent a letter to Cosette which Valjean intercepted saying: “I die, I love you. When you read this, my soul will be near you, and will smile upon you."

     As happened many times in Valjeans life, he was faced with a decision. If he did nothing, life would go on easily. He could let Marius die in battle, and move with his daughter to England. It was perfect, it was simple, and he didn’t have to do anything to make it happen. Valjean couldn’t just let it happen. He loved his daughter too much. So he went to the battlefront himself. He fought together with the rebels, trying to protect Marius. When Marius was shot, Valjean carried him down into the sewers eventually to freedom and a place to heal. Marius eventually recovered and Valjean consented to their wedding. He did not wish to mar his daughter’s marriage in any way. Valjean knew he was still a wanted ex-convict, and any connection he had to Cosette would put her in danger. He excused himself from the marriage, had someone else sign the marriage certificate and gradually withdrew from his daughter’s life. He returned instead to living more like a beggar. He gave his life, his happiness; to ensure nothing would interfere with his daughter’s happiness. On his death bed Cosette and Marius are with him when he said his last words. “I die happy, let me put my hands upon your dear little heads.”

     These two fathers were great examples to us all. One is presented to us in a 1400 page novel, the other, in a set of short stories. Most people today know them through two very popular musicals: Fiddler on the Roof, and Les Miserables. We love them, and we strive to be like them. They have shown us how to love, how to live, and how to learn. They taught us how to be selfless. They taught us that you don’t lose your identity when you love someone, your identity simply changes as you become someone better.

     These two fathers were created in the minds of Victor Hugo and Solomon Naumovich Rabinovich, but they live on perpetually in our minds, our memories and in our hearts.