Self-Absorbed or just Striving to be Better? Why we make ourselves look great on Facebook

Why does Facebook make people depressed?

There are mutiple studies showing it happens: Michigan Study Stanford Study

Experts say it’s because we don’t want to just be happy, we want to be as happy or happier than other people. Most people on Facebook don’t post all the crap and mundane day-to-day normal life stuff – they post the fun, the excitement, the exercise, the new diet, their vacation to a place you could never afford, their beautiful family that looks happier than yours, their successes at work, their new goals, their big changes in life, etc…
Why do we post about going to the gym? To brag? Do we want people to think better of us? Do we post about going to church, or eating a healthy diet, or working hard or getting a new job to brag?

Why did I tell the whole world I signed up for a Tough Mudder? That I started doing P90X? That I was reading scriptures daily? That I was going out with my kids for 1-on-1 dates? That I made 25 goals for the new year? That I was helping a friend load his moving truck? Is it to show how awesome I am? To show that I am the fun, fit, father of the year who is friendly and infallible? (Perhaps that’s all true – some Shrink somewhere can psychoanalyze my posts and figure out my intent.)

I think a lot of the time we want to be held accountable. We want others to know the kind of person we want to be – so we'll live up to their expectation. I want to be fit enough to do a Tough Mudder race. So if I tell people about it 5 months ahead of time and get a team to do it with me – I won’t flake out – I’ll train and get ready for it because I’ve made a commitment and others expect it of me. I tell people I’m reading scriptures so that I’ll keep reading them. I post book reports so people will expect me and ask me to keep reading new books – books I’d never read otherwise. I post about good times with my kids so people will expect me to be a good dad.

I know these are not the best reasons. I shouldn’t need others approval to do these things – but what can I say? Peer Pressure Works. I haven’t reached that state of perfection where I do everything because it’s the right thing to do – sometimes I do it because it’s expected of me – and for now, that’s better than not getting it done, so I’ll take it.

Don’t assume the worst in people – don’t assume they're being prideful. They may be posting about how great they are because they fear they'll only become great if you expect it of them.

Book Review: SOS Help For Parents

A practical and step by step guide for parents who are at their wits end.  I read this book after just finishing 1-2-3 Magic. 

I like the 123 Magic book better for time-outs, but this book better for everything else.  This book gives many more ideas and covers more topics. 

SOS explains the different ways kids misbehave, how to reinforce the good, when to use time-outs, and it REALLY explains well the use of a portable timer.  (I never thought that it could be so important to not use your microwave or stove top timer, but instead use a portable one.  I have 4 kids, I've used both, USE A PORTABLE ONE!)

SOS explains when to time-out both kids, or the toy instead.  It explains how to handle aggressive behavior, how to notice developmental problems and learning disabilities.  SOS give instructions on working together with school teachers, when to get professional help, and how to control your own anger as a parent. 

SOS has quizzes, worksheets, on-line videos, lists of resources, and a never ending flow of ideas to try.  It's perfect for parents who think they've tried everything.

Book Review: Sara In The Army

A very pleasant surprise.

How often am I going to read a chick-flick romance novel? - almost never.  But this book had three things going for it before I ever started reading. 

First - It's about a young doctor who gets thrown in the deep end (after medical school and residency I can relate)
Second - It's based in the military (I worked in mental health at the Veterans Hospital for the last 3 years, and having treated PTSD and much more, I found this very intriguing)
Third - The author is one of my best friends from High School - Brenda Hodnett.

I was very impressed.  The characters were real, they were fun, and you cared about them.  The medical situations were real, well described, and kept the plot moving without getting bogged down in medical minutiae.  The jokes were funny, the character development was paced just right so you could learn to love the characters as you went.  The reader wasn't expected to instantly love one character and hate another (except for Mr. Evil, but the nickname kind of gave that one away)

It was apparent rather quickly that the book was written by a female.  There are far more descriptions of the love interests good looks and sculpted chest and deep seated integrity than there are of the protagonist and her attributes.

What can I say? -  it's a good story.  It's fun to read, it's clean, fast paced, realistic.  It draws you in so you really care what happens.  It isn't all rose colored perfection - bad things happen, and people are left to deal with the aftermath.  Hodnett's descriptions of PTSD are accurate, which makes them all the more heart wrenching.

My main complaint is the ending - it ended like a chick-flick instead of a plotted story.  I didn't feel there was enough resolution.  It reached one conclusion, and left the entire world and outside plots hanging.  Maybe that's because there are sequels to be written, or maybe that's because the point of this book was just that - Enjoy the little victories, the good times, the heart-felt moments - because the world keeps on turning whether you do or not.

Here is where you can purchase the paperback ($10.15) or Kindle Edition ($2.99)

Book Review: Multipliers

 
meh.

60 pages worth of book that took up 250 pages instead.

This book is the quintessential example of researchers trying to find the X factor for success- and just finding common sense.

It's a worthwhile project - to figure out how to make OTHERS better.  How to get the most out of people how to multiply your own work and effort exponentially.

This book does make some great points:

1. You know that "genius" or indispensable person that has the smarts, but drives everyone else nuts and makes everyone else feel like an idiot?  He should likely be fired.  The benefit of his extraordinary brain is not worth the loss is production and creativity he causes in everyone around him.

2. Leaders fall somewhere on the "Multiplier-Diminisher" spectrum.
Multipliers make everyone want to do better.  They make you want to work harder, inspire you and make you excited to go to work.  They make you think, listen to your input, and help you really succeed. Then there are the diminishing dictators whom everyone despises, and who never encourage meaningful feedback or criticism or want to hear your ideas for improvement.  They know what to do and now they just need you to do A,B, and C.  Stop thinking and get back to menial labor.

This book basically teaches you, as a leader, how to identify other's strengths, motives, and drive - and then use it to their fullest potential.  To seek meaningful discussion, and not give answers, but seek answers.  It teaches you to be such a great leader that when you are gone, others will do just fine without you because they've been trained, allowed to grow, and can think for themselves and succeed.

Like I said - the ideas are worthwhile, but 40 examples of the same principle just seems ridiculously redundant and annoying.  So while this book may be good, it bogs itself down and is not really worth finishing.

GRADE: C-

Book Review: 1-2-3 Magic

This book works because it is simple, straightforward, and hits at the heart of parents dilemma:

"I love my children, now if I could just like them as well."

I have 4 children under age 8.  I get it.  I love them, I just wish I spent more time playing games and chatting and really teaching and helping my kids rather than lecturing and scolding and correcting and reminding and stopping them all day. 

 - "But it's our duty to teach our kids responsibility, and to get along, and to be nice, and to play fair"  Yeah we all know that, but there has to be a better way.  Kids will grow up, and they'll likely be just fine, but will we miss them?  Will we cherish the memories of daily good times, or just those few fleeting moments or vacations?

1-2-3 Magic teaches the counting system - but only for things you want children to STOP doing.  Stopping something bad takes seconds.  Doing something right takes minutes to hours to days.  So you can't use counting for making their bed, or cleaning their room, or eating their dinner.  You only count for behaviors you want them to STOP.

Next big revelation - you don't lecture.  You don't talk or show any real emotion in moments of discipline.  When they are acting out - you count them.  "That's one."  Then you just wait.  If they honestly don't know what they did wrong, you say one sentence to explain.  Usually they know but they feign ignorance - "WHAT'D I DO?!"

You count, and that's all.  You don't say "That's One!  I told you to stop touching your sister, why do you have to keep buggin her, can't you just sit and eat your dinner like everyone else?  Do you really want to go to your room? (kid continues)  THAT'S TWO.  Don't make me do it.  I will send you to your room.  Do you see your sister bugging anyone?  Why can't you be like her?  Why do you have to make everything so difficult?  Are you trying to drive me Crazy? (kid continues) THAT'S IT.  THREE!  Let's go.  Get upstairs NOW!  I've had it - I've just had it.!"

This book is great because the examples are real.  I could see my kids and hear myself in the different conversations.  It was sad and scary to think of how much time and breath I've wasted lecturing my kids when there was no chance they were going to hear it.

Yes, I started reading this book so I could know whether or not to recommend it to other parents.  Now my wife and I are using it in our own home with our 4 kids.  I don't know what the long term results will be, but I like the change in myself after just 1 week, and just that is worth it.

Book Review: Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

This book is pure fun and silliness. 

You can tell Brandon Sanderson had a blast writing this book.  He had the chance to tell a fun story, make up mythical powers and abilities, interject with funny insights or lifelong pet-peeves, and keep me laughing the entire time.

I am now reading this book out-loud to my kids and I'm loving it. It's told from the main characters perspective so he gets to explain as he writes the book why he wrote it, what parts of his writing are annoying, when he's foreshadowing, and when he's leaving a hook at the end of a chapter (knowing that this is torture to the reader!)

The plot is fun, and he's thought of some rather ingenious magical powers.  He's also given people magical talents (which most of us would see as faults) - such as the talent of always arriving late, tripping all the time, or breaking everything you touch.

It's fun waiting to see how each character's "talent" will help them or hurt them throughout the book, and how they're talent always presents itself at the wrong time, or in the wrong way.

Here are a few of my favorite little tangents from the book:

"People can do great things. However, there are somethings they just can’t do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort. I could, however, make myself insane, if I wished. (Though if I achieved the second, I might be able to make myself think I’d achieved the first….)"

"At this rate, it won't be long before this story departs speaking of evil Librarians, and instead turns into a terribly boring tale about a lawyer who defends unjustly accused field hands.

What do mockingbirds have to do with that, anyway?"

At one point there is a character who can only speak gibberish and he says "Churches, lead, very small rocks, and ducks."

 - When I read this I laughed out loud in the middle of a library.  (He's quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Some people assume that authors write books because we have vivid imaginations and want to share our vision. Other people think we write because we are bursting with and therefore must scribble those stories down in moments of propondenty. Both groups are completely wrong. Authors write books for one and only one reason. Because we like to torture people. Now actual torture in frowned upon in civilized society, fortunately the authorial community has discovered in story telling an even more powerful and fulfilling means of causing agony. We write stories, and by doing so we engage in a perfectly legal way of doing all sorts of terrible things to our readers. Take for instance, the word I used above, "propondenty", there is no such word. I made it up. Why? Because it amused me to think of thousands of readers looking up a nonsense word in their dictionaries."

To Spank or Not to Spank

I get this question all the time: Is it okay to spank kids?

Whether or not parents use spanking as a discipline technique has almost nothing to do with the child, or what the child did, or the severity of their action - it has to do with the parent.

This is my response to the question:

Have you ever spanked you're child when you were angry? 
Have you ever regretted spanking, or how hard you did it, or how much? 
Has your spouse or someone else ever reprimanded you for it afterwards?

If any of those are true - you have lost the right to discipline your children with spanking.  You are not punishing them, you are showing them that YOU have lost your self control.  You are teaching them that "When you lose control, I lose control, and because I'm bigger and older, you're getting spanked."

I know.  There is a parent out there who will respond that "when I was a kid my dad only had to look at the belt and I stopped cold in my tracks because I didn't want to get a whooping like I had the last time.  That's how you teach a kid!"
 - I don't think I have any chance of really discussing spaking with that parent.

So my answer is - Yes.  I have seen benefits from spanking.  I have seen kids respond to spankings, and I've seen them grow up just fine, and well disciplined.

I am never going to recommend it - just like I'm not going to recommend a glass of red-wine to every person every day.  Yes, there can be benefits - but the number of people who go too far is not worth the risk of recommending it. (get the correlation?)

So I don't tell parents NOT to spank as an absolute rule.  I tell them to be very careful - once they lose control, once they cross that line - it's no longer spanking, it's abuse.  Punishments only teach a real lesson if parents remain in control, and the children know that part of the punishment is going to be an increased showing of love afterwards. 

If we are heated, angry, at our wits end, etc... - we don't get to spank.