The Good Part of Guilt

"Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body—a warning of danger and a protection from additional damage." - D.A. Bednar

Most of the time - Pain is useful.  What happens when people can't feel pain?
Example: What happens when diabetics lose feeling in their feet?  Why do they break bones, and lose toes, and have amputations? Aren't they wearing shoes, and washing their feet, and caring for them just like the rest of us do?

Yes, and no.  They're doing all those things - but they can't feel pain.  The rest of us hardly even notice the tiny pain signals our body sends us when we've been standing on one part of our foot too long.  We just shift.  We transfer our weight to the other leg, we lean back, we do SOMETHING without even knowing why.  But when you can't feel pain - you don't do those little things.  You stay standing the same way, on the same spot, because there is no reason to change. That is when you damage cells and break blood vessels and get pressure sores and stress fractures and all the things that lead to amputated feet.

Lesson: WE NEED PAIN.

Can pain become useless and overbearing and stifling?  Yes.  We can experience pain that debilitates us when what would heal us is movement.  We can even feel phantom pain for an injury that doesn't exist anymore.


The same is true with guilt.  Most of the time - guilt is good.  It is a warning.  It helps us make the little adjustments every day that keep us from getting injured.  When we get a big injury - guilt guides us down the path to healing and recovery.

Guilt is good, just like pain.  No one likes it.  No one enjoys it.  But those who want to grow and progress understand why it is there, and that without it - we would be even worse off.

Book Review: The One Minute Manager

The books we find most insightful are usually the ones that remind us of things we’ve simply forgotten. They don’t teach us something new, they simply remind us in a unique and powerful way of something we already knew.

That is exactly how I’d describe “The One Minute Manager.” The authors wrote a simple book full of common sense – and thus the book makes total sense.

This book sold 13 million copies! It’s only 106 pages, with about 200 words per page. Why would we pay 12 dollars for such a short book?

Because it speaks to us – it reminds us to be people – and that we can succeed and make money and make friends better if we do.

Great Lessons:
1.“People who feel good about themselves produce good results.”
2.If you don’t like the way things are, but you don’t know what you want changed – then you don’t have a problem, you’re just complaining. Once you know what you want changed – then you have a problem and can work toward a solution.
3.People are motivated by praise more than scolding.
4.When there are problems, attack the behavior, not the person doing it.
5.“I’ve never seen an unmotivated person after work.” (People get excited and motivated when they are looking forward to something – like what they get to do after work. So figure out how to get them excited about work)
6.Take a minute – see if your behavior matches your goals.
7.“The key to training someone to do a new task is, in the beginning, to catch them doing something approximately right until they can eventually learn to do it exactly right.”
8.Most employees aren’t trying to produce or accomplish anything anymore other than they’re trying to get paid without getting in trouble.
9.Manipulation is getting people to do something they are either unaware of or don’t agree to.
10.“Goals begin behaviors. Consequences maintain behaviors.”

Self-Absorbed or just Striving to be Better? Why we make ourselves look great on Facebook

Why does Facebook make people depressed?

There are mutiple studies showing it happens: Michigan Study Stanford Study

Experts say it’s because we don’t want to just be happy, we want to be as happy or happier than other people. Most people on Facebook don’t post all the crap and mundane day-to-day normal life stuff – they post the fun, the excitement, the exercise, the new diet, their vacation to a place you could never afford, their beautiful family that looks happier than yours, their successes at work, their new goals, their big changes in life, etc…
Why do we post about going to the gym? To brag? Do we want people to think better of us? Do we post about going to church, or eating a healthy diet, or working hard or getting a new job to brag?

Why did I tell the whole world I signed up for a Tough Mudder? That I started doing P90X? That I was reading scriptures daily? That I was going out with my kids for 1-on-1 dates? That I made 25 goals for the new year? That I was helping a friend load his moving truck? Is it to show how awesome I am? To show that I am the fun, fit, father of the year who is friendly and infallible? (Perhaps that’s all true – some Shrink somewhere can psychoanalyze my posts and figure out my intent.)

I think a lot of the time we want to be held accountable. We want others to know the kind of person we want to be – so we'll live up to their expectation. I want to be fit enough to do a Tough Mudder race. So if I tell people about it 5 months ahead of time and get a team to do it with me – I won’t flake out – I’ll train and get ready for it because I’ve made a commitment and others expect it of me. I tell people I’m reading scriptures so that I’ll keep reading them. I post book reports so people will expect me and ask me to keep reading new books – books I’d never read otherwise. I post about good times with my kids so people will expect me to be a good dad.

I know these are not the best reasons. I shouldn’t need others approval to do these things – but what can I say? Peer Pressure Works. I haven’t reached that state of perfection where I do everything because it’s the right thing to do – sometimes I do it because it’s expected of me – and for now, that’s better than not getting it done, so I’ll take it.

Don’t assume the worst in people – don’t assume they're being prideful. They may be posting about how great they are because they fear they'll only become great if you expect it of them.

Book Review: SOS Help For Parents

A practical and step by step guide for parents who are at their wits end.  I read this book after just finishing 1-2-3 Magic. 

I like the 123 Magic book better for time-outs, but this book better for everything else.  This book gives many more ideas and covers more topics. 

SOS explains the different ways kids misbehave, how to reinforce the good, when to use time-outs, and it REALLY explains well the use of a portable timer.  (I never thought that it could be so important to not use your microwave or stove top timer, but instead use a portable one.  I have 4 kids, I've used both, USE A PORTABLE ONE!)

SOS explains when to time-out both kids, or the toy instead.  It explains how to handle aggressive behavior, how to notice developmental problems and learning disabilities.  SOS give instructions on working together with school teachers, when to get professional help, and how to control your own anger as a parent. 

SOS has quizzes, worksheets, on-line videos, lists of resources, and a never ending flow of ideas to try.  It's perfect for parents who think they've tried everything.

Book Review: Sara In The Army

A very pleasant surprise.

How often am I going to read a chick-flick romance novel? - almost never.  But this book had three things going for it before I ever started reading. 

First - It's about a young doctor who gets thrown in the deep end (after medical school and residency I can relate)
Second - It's based in the military (I worked in mental health at the Veterans Hospital for the last 3 years, and having treated PTSD and much more, I found this very intriguing)
Third - The author is one of my best friends from High School - Brenda Hodnett.

I was very impressed.  The characters were real, they were fun, and you cared about them.  The medical situations were real, well described, and kept the plot moving without getting bogged down in medical minutiae.  The jokes were funny, the character development was paced just right so you could learn to love the characters as you went.  The reader wasn't expected to instantly love one character and hate another (except for Mr. Evil, but the nickname kind of gave that one away)

It was apparent rather quickly that the book was written by a female.  There are far more descriptions of the love interests good looks and sculpted chest and deep seated integrity than there are of the protagonist and her attributes.

What can I say? -  it's a good story.  It's fun to read, it's clean, fast paced, realistic.  It draws you in so you really care what happens.  It isn't all rose colored perfection - bad things happen, and people are left to deal with the aftermath.  Hodnett's descriptions of PTSD are accurate, which makes them all the more heart wrenching.

My main complaint is the ending - it ended like a chick-flick instead of a plotted story.  I didn't feel there was enough resolution.  It reached one conclusion, and left the entire world and outside plots hanging.  Maybe that's because there are sequels to be written, or maybe that's because the point of this book was just that - Enjoy the little victories, the good times, the heart-felt moments - because the world keeps on turning whether you do or not.

Here is where you can purchase the paperback ($10.15) or Kindle Edition ($2.99)

Book Review: Multipliers

 
meh.

60 pages worth of book that took up 250 pages instead.

This book is the quintessential example of researchers trying to find the X factor for success- and just finding common sense.

It's a worthwhile project - to figure out how to make OTHERS better.  How to get the most out of people how to multiply your own work and effort exponentially.

This book does make some great points:

1. You know that "genius" or indispensable person that has the smarts, but drives everyone else nuts and makes everyone else feel like an idiot?  He should likely be fired.  The benefit of his extraordinary brain is not worth the loss is production and creativity he causes in everyone around him.

2. Leaders fall somewhere on the "Multiplier-Diminisher" spectrum.
Multipliers make everyone want to do better.  They make you want to work harder, inspire you and make you excited to go to work.  They make you think, listen to your input, and help you really succeed. Then there are the diminishing dictators whom everyone despises, and who never encourage meaningful feedback or criticism or want to hear your ideas for improvement.  They know what to do and now they just need you to do A,B, and C.  Stop thinking and get back to menial labor.

This book basically teaches you, as a leader, how to identify other's strengths, motives, and drive - and then use it to their fullest potential.  To seek meaningful discussion, and not give answers, but seek answers.  It teaches you to be such a great leader that when you are gone, others will do just fine without you because they've been trained, allowed to grow, and can think for themselves and succeed.

Like I said - the ideas are worthwhile, but 40 examples of the same principle just seems ridiculously redundant and annoying.  So while this book may be good, it bogs itself down and is not really worth finishing.

GRADE: C-

Book Review: 1-2-3 Magic

This book works because it is simple, straightforward, and hits at the heart of parents dilemma:

"I love my children, now if I could just like them as well."

I have 4 children under age 8.  I get it.  I love them, I just wish I spent more time playing games and chatting and really teaching and helping my kids rather than lecturing and scolding and correcting and reminding and stopping them all day. 

 - "But it's our duty to teach our kids responsibility, and to get along, and to be nice, and to play fair"  Yeah we all know that, but there has to be a better way.  Kids will grow up, and they'll likely be just fine, but will we miss them?  Will we cherish the memories of daily good times, or just those few fleeting moments or vacations?

1-2-3 Magic teaches the counting system - but only for things you want children to STOP doing.  Stopping something bad takes seconds.  Doing something right takes minutes to hours to days.  So you can't use counting for making their bed, or cleaning their room, or eating their dinner.  You only count for behaviors you want them to STOP.

Next big revelation - you don't lecture.  You don't talk or show any real emotion in moments of discipline.  When they are acting out - you count them.  "That's one."  Then you just wait.  If they honestly don't know what they did wrong, you say one sentence to explain.  Usually they know but they feign ignorance - "WHAT'D I DO?!"

You count, and that's all.  You don't say "That's One!  I told you to stop touching your sister, why do you have to keep buggin her, can't you just sit and eat your dinner like everyone else?  Do you really want to go to your room? (kid continues)  THAT'S TWO.  Don't make me do it.  I will send you to your room.  Do you see your sister bugging anyone?  Why can't you be like her?  Why do you have to make everything so difficult?  Are you trying to drive me Crazy? (kid continues) THAT'S IT.  THREE!  Let's go.  Get upstairs NOW!  I've had it - I've just had it.!"

This book is great because the examples are real.  I could see my kids and hear myself in the different conversations.  It was sad and scary to think of how much time and breath I've wasted lecturing my kids when there was no chance they were going to hear it.

Yes, I started reading this book so I could know whether or not to recommend it to other parents.  Now my wife and I are using it in our own home with our 4 kids.  I don't know what the long term results will be, but I like the change in myself after just 1 week, and just that is worth it.