Book Review: The Reality Slap

I started this book almost 2 years ago.  In a one month period I tried to read 4 books about ACT therapy, a book on DBT, a book on CBT, and another on psychodynamic psychotherapy.

Yeah - I was nuts. (fitting for a shrink)

I finished all the other books, but never completed Russ Harris' "The Reality Slap."

This week I picked it back up - and I'm very glad I did.

I'll admit - I don't like Russ Harris' writing style.  I don't think we'd work well in a clinic together.  I can do "mindfullness exercises," but not the way he writes them.  I'm not as "touchy, feely" as he is.  I don't think I could use most of his exact words with my patients.

He doesn't fit my personality, my style, or the way I like to relate to people.  AND - I think he's a great author and this book has real value.

He begins with a great point: "All self help books could be lumped into two categories: those that claim you can have everything you ever wanted in life if you only put your mind to it, and those that claim you can't have everything you want but can still lead a rich and rewarding life." (this book is the latter)

Harris points out that being happy with what we have doesn't mean giving up on goals, needs, wants, etc... It means we don't depend on them for our well being and vitality.

Harris is realistic.  He knows that for most of us, challenging our negative thoughts, repeating positive affirmations, and even self-hypnosis don't work long term.  "Our minds continue to be harsh, judgmental, and self critical."

He points out the fact that our brains don't stop.  We churn out thoughts all day long.  When we're driving, walking, eating, talking, listening, watching, reading - our brain just keeps going.  Thoughts about what we're doing, or not doing, or the girl who just walked by, or the movie we saw, or the political turmoil on the world, or how we should have responded differently to our boss last week when he gave us that assignment.
THE MIND JUST KEEPS RUNNING.

Our minds tell us we are smart, funny, silly, stupid, ugly, strong, inept, over-qualified, under-appreciated, etc...  It judges us.  Sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly.

Harris doesn't tell us to ignore our thoughts, or to fight against them, embrace them, hate them, or change them.

He asks us simply to acknowledge them.  Know they are there.  See them for what they are - thoughts.  The may be painful, joyful, true or false - but first we just recognize them, and accept the fact that they exist.
He doesn't ask us to enjoy painful thoughts. He knows they suck.  They hurt us because we care.

The only things that hurt us are the things we care about.  Our pain shows us what we value.  Pain is not the enemy.  It sucks, it's not fun, but it is not the enemy.  Apathy is the enemy.  When you don't care anymore, when you are unwilling to feel pain, you are also unwilling to feel joy.  That is the message Harris brings.

He also brings stories, research, exercises, and step by step instructions about how we can accept the pain in our lives, and with that pain, move forward living the life we value.

The book title is genius - The Reality Slap.  What do we do when we realize that our life is not what we want? When we get slapped in the face by a death, a cancer diagnosis, a job loss, addiction, etc...  What do we do when we can't meet our expectations.  Do we "try harder" or "lower our expectations?"  Or is there another option....

Book Review: Things Might Go Terribly Horribly Wrong

The title is perfect.  It describes the real problem behind anxiety disorders.  The key word is "MIGHT."

Anxiety is not about things that are going wrong - that's called fear.  Anxiety is about things that might go wrong, and this book gives many many ways to deal with that thought.

This book gives wonderful advice and I think it's for real people with real anxiety.  It doesn't patronize the reader.  It doesn't try to re-label their suffering.  This book does not free you from anxiety, but rather helps you realize that anxiety does not have to limit your life.  The authors quote many many other people, and they're great.  When they see the need to employ an overused cliché - they acknowledge the fact.
e.g. "Even the longest journey begins with a single step (sorry for the cliché)"

When they explain the consequences and results of our anxiety, it's truly horrifying.
 e.g. The number of people who have shot and killed the wrong person on accident because they were anxious.

They understand anxiety - and they can explain it in a readable, manageable way.

They explain one of my favorite points.  Most goals made by addicts are anxiety provoking.  The goal "I'll never drink alcohol again" can only be achieved by dying.  Until you die you can only fail or still be working toward the goal.  Every day you either worry you will fail, or you actually do fail (thus freeing yourself from the anxiety of uncertainty.)

The most useful part to me was about values.  Throughout the book the authors ask you to try multiple activities or games.  They either reveal anxiety, or help you deal with it.
The two activities about values were wonderful.  First I ranked the importance of each of my values, then how well I was living each.
Then I spent 30 minutes writing out my values. I had 9 categories, and 3 detailed values in each category.  It really helped me see how I can make better goals that are in line with my values.
Then even if I don't reach the goal, I'm still heading in the right direction.
Remember - "If you can achieve, earn, attain, or complete it, it's not a value - it's a goal."

Good Quotes:

"The creation of your identity is an ongoing, dynamic process." - Wilson or Dufrene

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4:00 p.m. on some idle Tuesday." - Mary Schmich

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - Shakespeare

"There was never yet philosopher that could endure the toothache patiently." - Shakespeare

Book Review: The Wisdom to Know the Difference

Some books just speak to you.  Some books are written in such a way that you feel the author is your buddy chatting with you in your living room.  Kelly Wilson is that buddy, and his humble but heartfelt words are recorded in this book.

I don’t want to sound cheesy or philosophical, but this is such a relief after reading 2 other therapy books where I felt I was being lectured.  This book is not telling you what is right.  It’s not telling you what will work, or even how to do it.  It is much like AA – this is what worked for us, come and see.  Use what you can, and forget the rest.

That is what makes this book so refreshing.  The author doesn’t assume to have a monopoly on knowledge about addiction rehabilitation and recovery.  He did it, he’s helped others do it, and he wants to share what worked for them.

Kelly Wilson was one of the developers of ACT therapy – and this is a workbook for substance abusers to use to guide them toward recovery.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"Just because behavior is understandable does not make it good or acceptable."

Humility does not mean humiliation. It is the dignified choice to willingly forgo status to offer resources for the good of others. - John Dickson

"Lots of things make us feel better that do not make us do better."

“Many people live their lives by circumstance rather than on purpose.”

“Values are intrinsically rewarding.”

“That year, life got a very firm grip on my ears, and jerked my head out of my ass.  And you know what?  Once you get the feces wiped from your eyes, you can see a lot of things.”

"If I ever get what I deserve, you do not want to be standing next to me." – Mick

"Raise our eyes toward perfection, and be ready to walk in that direction. It will seldom matter how haltingly we walk." - AA 12 & 12 book

"Do the next right thing." – from Alcoholics Anonymous

Book Review - The Happiness Trap

It’s worth it in the end. - That is my first thought that describes this book.   When I began this book I did not enjoy it.  Honestly, it annoyed me.  

By the time I finished it I realized ways I could make substantial improvements in my life.

First: The annoying part.

The author (Dr. Harris) seems to assume that all his readers have the same thought processes, make the same mistakes, and can be fixed the same way.  

He begins by telling us we likely believe four myths.  

Myth 1: Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings
Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective
Myth 3: To Create a Better Life, We Must Get Rid of Negative Feelings
Myth 4: You Should Be Able to Control What You Think and Feel

I don’t think most people believe THESE myths.   I think they believe truths that are very closely related to these that get twisted. 

1: Happiness is a possible natural state for all human beings (happiness, not pleasure)

2: You can learn to be happier by fixing your defective habits

3: You can create a better life, and you will have less negative feelings.

4:  You should gain better control of your thoughts and feelings as you progress.

Doctor Harris spends half the book teaching a useful but difficult lesson.  We have two ways of thinking or two minds.  We have the “observing” and the “thinking” mind.  The observing mind is always observing and recording.  It doesn’t interpret or judge, it just observes what’s there.  Then our thinking mind can interpret that information if need be, or think about something else entirely.  That’s why you can drive your car on the interstate and not remember the last 15 miles because you’ve been thinking about something.  Your observing mind always observed you were driving in your lane, so your thinking mind left it alone and pondered something else.

He teaches us how to stop beating ourselves up for the constant flow of thoughts we can’t really control.  Thoughts will come that we never wanted.  When we dwell on them or try to drive them out, we always seem to make things worse and end up angry or upset at ourselves.  He teaches us to simply accept the thought, and then move on.  Don’t dwell on it, not try to avoid it.  Acknowledge it – it’s just a thought.  It’s not an action, it’s not a destiny.  It’s a thought, you had it, it was there, and you can’t change that.  Accept it, then move on.

The end of the book is great.   It teaches how to make real change that brings real happiness.  Happiness comes from living according to your values.  He urges us to spend REAL time discovering our values.  Not our goals, or what society tells us to care about, but what we REALLY care about.  Figure those values out, then set immediate, short medium, and long term goals that are congruent with your values.

I’m using what I’ve learned, and my life is getting better.  What more can I say?

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

“Today’s middle class lives better than did the Royalty of not so long ago, and yet humans today don’t seem very happy.” – p. 2

“You won’t change your life simply by reading this book.” – p. 35

“We have many thousands of useless or unhelpful thoughts every day.” – p. 49

“Letting the radio play on without giving it much attention is very different from actively trying to ignore it.” – p. 66

“Despite everything you’ve tried over the years, isn’t it a fact that your mind still produces unpleasant pictures?” – p. 75

“What would I attempt if thoughts of failure didn’t deter me?” – p. 79

“The fight-or-flight is often triggered in situations where it is of little or no use to us.” – p. 85

“Any search for a Pain-free existence is doomed to failure.” – p. 137

“What do you want your life to be about?” – P. 167

“He who has the why to live for, can bear almost any how.” – F. Nietzsche – p. 170

“Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you.” – p. 186

“If you’re living a goal-focused life, then no matter what you have, it’s never enough…find the values underlying your goals.” – p. 198

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain – p. 216

“Commitment isn’t about being perfect, always following through, or never going astray.  Commitment means that when you (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on.” – p. 219

“Success in life means living by your values.” – p. 221

“If you don’t decide where you’re going, you’ll end up wherever you’re heading.” – p. 232