Self-Absorbed or just Striving to be Better? Why we make ourselves look great on Facebook

Why does Facebook make people depressed?

There are mutiple studies showing it happens: Michigan Study Stanford Study

Experts say it’s because we don’t want to just be happy, we want to be as happy or happier than other people. Most people on Facebook don’t post all the crap and mundane day-to-day normal life stuff – they post the fun, the excitement, the exercise, the new diet, their vacation to a place you could never afford, their beautiful family that looks happier than yours, their successes at work, their new goals, their big changes in life, etc…
Why do we post about going to the gym? To brag? Do we want people to think better of us? Do we post about going to church, or eating a healthy diet, or working hard or getting a new job to brag?

Why did I tell the whole world I signed up for a Tough Mudder? That I started doing P90X? That I was reading scriptures daily? That I was going out with my kids for 1-on-1 dates? That I made 25 goals for the new year? That I was helping a friend load his moving truck? Is it to show how awesome I am? To show that I am the fun, fit, father of the year who is friendly and infallible? (Perhaps that’s all true – some Shrink somewhere can psychoanalyze my posts and figure out my intent.)

I think a lot of the time we want to be held accountable. We want others to know the kind of person we want to be – so we'll live up to their expectation. I want to be fit enough to do a Tough Mudder race. So if I tell people about it 5 months ahead of time and get a team to do it with me – I won’t flake out – I’ll train and get ready for it because I’ve made a commitment and others expect it of me. I tell people I’m reading scriptures so that I’ll keep reading them. I post book reports so people will expect me and ask me to keep reading new books – books I’d never read otherwise. I post about good times with my kids so people will expect me to be a good dad.

I know these are not the best reasons. I shouldn’t need others approval to do these things – but what can I say? Peer Pressure Works. I haven’t reached that state of perfection where I do everything because it’s the right thing to do – sometimes I do it because it’s expected of me – and for now, that’s better than not getting it done, so I’ll take it.

Don’t assume the worst in people – don’t assume they're being prideful. They may be posting about how great they are because they fear they'll only become great if you expect it of them.

Facebook makes it personal

I've heard people say that Facebook is a waste of time.  It's impersonal, it replaces meaningful communication, and it makes us connect more superficially instead of having real conversations.

That may be true for some Facebook users - but not me.


Facebook makes events or topics I would have mostly ignored - become very personal.

When there was the school shooting in Newtown - I would have responded like every other tragic event in the world.  I would have been sad, asked why, prayed for the victims in general, and then tried to just move on.
But then I found out through Facebook that my friend's daughter was shot and killed in that Elementary.  Her dad and I knew each other back in 2001 as missionaries in Brazil.

When the Boston Marathon bombing occurred - I knew some friends that were runners, but no one there.  Then one of my friends posted the story of her friend - who was working the medical tent at the finish line.  Suddenly a friend of a friend had heard the explosions, and helped the injured.

These events were not drowned out by the din of the news today. 

With North Korea, and drone strikes, and the Texas stabbing, and all the atrocities and terrors that happen every day - it's easy to become immune.

I remember when the Columbine shooting happened.  It never really hit home until I was in a choir with high school kids from Littleton, CO an entire year later.  Now things hit home much faster.  I feel the humanity - I know someone.

I can't glaze past it, or try to shrug it off.

The same is true of successes.  I find friends who are running for their state legislature, starring in movies, graduating from professional schools, starting companies.  I read their struggles, their successes, and it all makes me more human, more connected.

Stories in the news are not longer just stories, they are "What's happening to my friends."

Facebook has made it all personal - and I am a better person because of it.

Book Review - Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

Is there anyway to disagree with any part of this book and not sound sexist?

It's a hot button topic - Feminism: Women leading in the workplace.  It was written by a highly successful woman who is COO of Facebook and former Vice President of global sales at Google.  She has been featured on TEDtalks and is now a successful author.  Her book is being reviewed by me: a male conservative who is a physician and whose wife put her career on hold to stay home and raise four children.

My wife and I are demographically "the traditional marriage."  We met in college, married young (23 and 25) and then immediately had kids.  I continued my career and she transitioned to being a homemaker.

She made that choice - and being a mother has been the hardest endeavor she ever undertook.

The author,  Sheryl Sandberg, repeatedly acknowledges that choice, and the difficulties of parenting:
"Parenting may be the most rewarding experience, but it is also the hardest and most humbling."
"Not all women want careers.  Not all women want children.  Not all women want both.  I would never advocate that we should all have the same objectives."

She quotes Judith Rodin who told women: "My generation fought so hard to give you all choices.  We believe in choices.  But choosing to leave the workforce was not the choice we thought so many of you would make."

This book is full of sage advice, points out horrific and deplorable biases and injustices, and I enjoyed it immensely.  

In chapter after chapter she shows how society (men and women alike), have a negative view of women and their abilities.  When the same resume is presented with a female's name instead of a male's - she is judged to be less competent, harder to work with, and not as qualified.
Society and government both assume that men should not raise kids, that's a woman's job.
According to the US Census Bureau: When mothers care for children it's "parenting" but when fathers care for their children its "a child care arrangement."

She pleads with men to be equal partners in parenting and household chores.  Women who stay at home with kids are working all day, just like their husbands at work.  When the husband gets home, they are equally tired and stressed.  So why do men get to relax or read the paper while his wife is supposed to make dinner, do the dishes, and get the kids in bed?

I agree.  Men and women are equals.  They should share responsibility equally.  Our responsibilities may be different some of the day, but when I get home, every chore should be fair game for equal distribution.  Some days my wife may need to go relax and I'll do dinner, dishes, and get the kids in bed all by myself.  That's how it's supposed to work.  My wife and I are equals.

Like the author says: "The best way for a man to make a pass at his wife might be to do the dishes."
My wife told me that years ago.  They're both right.

Mrs. Sandberg gives great advice on how women can change the perception of women.  How to make them equals in the workplace:
"Opportunities are rarely offered, they're seized."
"It is hard to visualize someone as a leader if she is always waiting to be told what to do."
"Leaders should strive for authenticity over perfection."

Mrs. Sandberg is an amazing woman and leader - but there are points on which we disagree.  We both have our backgrounds and as she accurately points out:

"All of us, myself included, are biased, whether we admit it or not. And thinking we are objective can actually make this even worse."

I am not objective.  I was raised in the LDS church.  I believe and follow my God and my religion.  I know it, I live it, I love it.

This seems to make our perspectives quite different as to the whole purpose of life - what is worth striving for, and what makes us happy.

The author says repeatedly that her goal is an equal world:

"A truly equal world would be one where women ran half our countries and companies and men ran half our homes.  I believe that this would be a better world."

She does not believe that women should be so focused on marriage when they are young.  Her perception seems to be more: Focus on career and success, and if a family happens, then decide which is first priority.

"For all the progress, there is still societal pressure for women to keep an eye on marriage from a young age."
She is saddened that some women leave the work force because they spend as much as they make on child care:
"One miscalculation that some women make is to drop out early in their careers because their salary barely covers the cost of child care... but professional women need to measure the cost of child care against their future salary, not their current salary."

I disagree.  I think marriage and family are the most important things in life.  My family is the only thing that will outlast this world.  No project I start, thing I build, or money I make will go with me when I die. 
My number one focus in life is my family.  It is the reason I didn't choose either the cheapest nor the most prestigious Medical school.  It's the main reason I picked my specific residency program.

I wanted a family.  I wanted breakfast and dinner with my kids most every day.  If my family isn't happy, nothing else really matters.  I have amazing opportunities - I could direct the residency, publish in medical journals and write numerous books.  I could move to a bigger and better University.
Those things might happen, but not at the expense of my family life.  If they can happen as well - that would be ideal, but my family comes first.

I don't think women should be told otherwise.

The author also states that one major problem is gender roles.
"Women feel that they bear the primary responsibility for caring for their children, many men feel that they bear the primary responsibility of supporting their families financially."

In response I'll quote part of my church's Proclamation to the World on the Family:
By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. 

I have never assumed that any woman could not succeed outside the home.  The very book group I am in (which chose this book) is lead by two brilliant and successful female physicians.  My wife has chosen to be a substitute teacher, a massage therapist, a personal trainer, a seller of children's books.  She could do anything.  
We have found each other and been blessed that we could have children (not everyone has that chance).  We are both doing the most important thing.  We are equal partners.  I have my roles, she has hers, and we assist each other in everything to make it all work.  We are focused on eternity, on a family that last long after this life.  That's worth giving up a lot of "success" and "prestige."  We give up what is good for that which is better.  We hope to get that which is best.

Like the author said:

"The single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is. I don't know of one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully - and I mean fully - supportive of her career. No exceptions."

I completely agree.  No decision is more important. 

The question in the end is about your values, your priorities.  What do you value more: A successful career with power, influence and financial well-being - or a successful family with love, caring, and eternal well-being?

Which has a higher value: Spiritual or Temporal Wealth?  Yes you can have both.  But which are you willing to sacrifice for the other?  Which takes priority?

Yes women can succeed in any endeavor as well as men.  They have genius ideas, could lead any corporation, and country, any organization and do it amazingly well.  Is that really the goal?

That appears to be Sheryl Sandberg's goal, and she is attaining it.  I wish her the best for both her family and her career.  I hope she succeeds in reversing the course of hate, bias, and prejudice against women.  I hope she helps women everywhere realize their immense capacity and ability.  I hope she makes men and women everywhere see that they are equals.

In the end, No success outside the home can compensate for failure inside the home.  If you cannot do both, I hope you choose your family's success over your career's.

Getting Better - One FDG at a Time

750 million people use Facebook.
50% check it every single day. 
Every 20 minutes on Facebook one million links are shared.
I update Facebook between 3 and 10 times per day.

I spend too much time on Facebook - because it's my kind of social.  I love, LOVE to make peanut gallery comments.  I love to share, analyze, research, debate.  I like being challenged.  I like reading news stories I would never have found on my own.  I like having an easy venue to chat with old friends.  It's a very efficient place to make requests to borrow things from neighbors, or find a  place to watch the big game on a huge T.V.
I like Facebook.  I think it is useful; a good thing.

But is "good" getting in the way of "better?"

I try to make people think.  I try to show another side to each story; I try to show why the "extreme opposite view" might not be so extreme.

I try to get my friends talking.  I talk about politics, religion, medicine, parenting, and sports.  I post things knowing it could cause quite the debate.

But what is the point?  Does it ever change anyone's mind?  Is anyone a better person because I posted something on Facebook?
Is anyone's life really any better because I spent time on Facebook?

Am I wasting my time?

I don't know the ENTIRE answer - but I do know that I am at least wasting some time, and I could be using Facebook for something better.

I could post inspirational quotations.  I DO actually.  I post a lot of quotes from the books I read.  They have inspired and edified me - maybe they'll do the same for someone else.

That's not enough.  I want something real; something that might actually make a difference in the long run.  I know I can't change others, that's a futile endeavor.  I can only change me.  So I decided to start there. 

Each day I will be grateful.  I will publicly show my gratitude for one of my Facebook friends.  I won't just copy and paste a canned line saying "thanks for being my Facebook friend."  I will write something meaningful and honest.  I will tell people why I appreciate them and what they mean to me.  I will tell them about specific attributes or memories or moments that I have enjoyed.  I will give a Facebook Display of Gratitude.

I started two weeks ago.  I'm planning on doing one each day through Thanksgiving.  That should mean I'll do 109 FDG's.  It's really not much - but it's better than what I was doing before.

Isn't that the whole point - to do better than we did before?